Wandering

(Inside City Auditorium 1st floor: People are walking around) (Eventually, OLLIE, ROOK, and JOAN meet up)
OLLIE: The only part of Drake Oy Trust is 'is visions.
ROOK & JOAN: Well, that's one of us.
OLLIE: Okay, Joan, me and Rook are gonna look around 'ere for a killer, and–
ROOK: When you say "look around" you mean, you'll look around and I'll–
JOAN: Make out with some girl in a closet.
ROOK(suddenly exited): Okay!
OLLIE: Oy really do need help 'ere. Drake said someone's gonna die 'ere.
JOAN: Then he should've come and found them and we could get them out.
OLLIE: Well, Drake's on 'is way.
JOAN: Good, SO what did you say I'm doing?
OLLIE: Go upstairs.

(2nd Floor Dark Room: DRAKE is setting up a sniper gun)
DRAKE: Isn't this great? (pause) Yeah, he's got no idea!

(2nd floor: JOAN is walking around looking at people's purses) (SKUL walks up to her)
SKUL: This really isn't a very effective way to find a potential killer.
JOAN: Well, I can't think of anything else!
SKUL(to everyone)(holding up her badge): Okay! Gentlemen, empty you pockets, Ladies, turn out your purses. Whoever has the gun, is the murderer.
JOAN: Is this why you're in charge?
SKUL: Joan, you're in charge.
JOAN: Yey!
SKUL(sarcastically): That's what I said to.
JOAN: Really?
SKUL(sarcastically): Yeah, sure. (pulls out her cell phone) Drake? (pause) Yeah. (pause) Get to the Auditorium, NOW!
JOAN: Is he coming?
SKUL: No.

(OLLIE, SKUL, JOAN, and ROOK are standing around BEETLE's body)
OLLIE: 'E'll be okay.
SKUL: Yeah, pretty close.
JOAN & ROOK: IS somebody not telling us stuff?
OLLIE: We 'aven't been able to kill 'im.
ROOK: Why'd you try!?
OLLIE: Long Story.
SKUL: Not really

"Special"

NARRATOR: No one asks to be special. Some are born special.
JENNY (NARRATION): I beg to differ.
NARRATOR: Some earn specialness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. And some have the misfortune of being mutated into freaks by Jenny. Jenny had made it her goal to Mutate the whole of Blue-Canary-ville.

(Gang Hideout: FIL, ROOK, BEETLE, and SUE are standing [in that order] on a stage w/ JENNY and OLLIE in the audience)

(FIL pulls the pipe out of her head and laughs psychodicly)(JENNY and OLLIE laugh louder)
FIL: I could get used to this!(ROOK falls) (OLLIE laughs, JENNY hits him)
ROOK: Jerk
OLLIE: Oy know (BEETLE explodes) (OLLIE, JENNY, FIL, and ROOK laugh, while SUE cries) You need a 'ug?
SUE: A what?
JENNY: A "hug," Eh.
SUE: Not from you! (SUE bleeds from her eyes and reveals Vampire Fangs)
JENNY: Well that didn't work, Eh.

(Ollie's Office) (OLLIE and JENNY waltz in)
JENNY: Feeling okay?
OLLIE: Oy'm not supposed to, am I?
JENNY: Right, Eh.
OLLIE: 'Ow many time do we 'ave to kill Beetle?
JENNY: I don't know, Eh. He's more immortal than most Vampires. He lived through being poisoned and beaten over the head, Eh. We also Burned him and sucked out his blood. And if he lived through an explosion...
OLLIE: We'll keep trying! New methods every time! He can't live through it all!
JENNY: That's what we do, now. We kill for the greater good, Eh.
OLLIE: Hmph.
JENNY: Well are good to, Eh. (OLLIE laughs) We're going to make sure he stays dead some time. So you never told me how you feel.
OLLIE(distorted voice): Fine.
JENNY: Good. (begins to purr)

(Alley: BEETLE is limping around) *crawling* (BEETLE stomps) *squish* (BEETLE picks something up and puts it in his mouth) *chewing*

Broken

(OLLIE is standing by BEETLE who is tied to a chair)
OLLIE: Oy'm sorry you 'ave to end like this.
BEETLE: Someone will come for you! I have friends everywhere!
OLLIE: I bought a ticket to Bangkok in your name. And all your Thai friends think you're moving here.
BEETLE: You don't think someone will try to contact me?
OLLIE: If they do, (pause) Oy don't care. (OLLIE spreads gasoline allover the floor)
BEETLE: Please!

(Ollie's Office: OLLIE is rapidly hitting keys on hit computer) (JENNY walks in)
JENNY: What game are you playing now, Eh?
OLLIE: Interactive Buddy!
JENNY: Ooo! Eh.
OLLIE: Oy know! (SUE runs in in tears)
SUE: Ollie!
OLLIE: What?
SUE: Beetle...
OLLIE: What about 'im?
SUE: He's gone!
OLLIE: Well, he was trying-
SUE: No, Ollie, nothing. (SUE gets up and leaves)
JENNY: Well, It's hopeless.
OLLIE: Oy won't take that
JENNY: Good
OLLIE: What?
JENNY: If you don't give up she'll say yes, after a while!
OLLIE: Well, Oy don't know. She makes it so hard. (SKUL walks in)
SKUL: Heeeeey!
OLLIE: Why so friendly all of a sudden?
SKUL: Well...
JENNY: We tried to kill you! Eh!
OLLIE: (whispering to JENNY): We did kill 'er.
SKUL: I think we should ignore that.
JENNY: You want to ignore being killed?
OLLIE: Shouldn't you be a zombie then, if Janie used the fluids on you?
SKUL: Yeah. (OLLIE and JENNY exchange puzzled looks) I drained all the blood out of a guy who was dieing in a burning building. He was a vampire. I know because his body was dissolving in the fire. (OLLIE[guilty] and JENNY[mad] look at eachother)
OLLIE: What did you do w/ the body?
SKUL: I let it dissolve.
OLLIE: Don't worry Jenny it'll be gone then.
JENNY: Maybe.

(News station [Aanül's Booth: AANÜL is broadcasting)
AANÜL(Indian Accent): Good Morning, Blue-Canary-ville. I am your anchor, Aanül Trusterson. I'm filling in for News and Flash today. (clapping)

Single

(Ollie's Office: An empty box of Chocolate is sitting on the desk) (OLLIE pops up from behind the desk)
OLLIE: Well, Oy lived through another Valentine's Day! (SUE walks in) Oy spoke to soon. (OLLIE falls behind the desk again.
SUE: Ollie? (Sets another box of chocolate on OLLIE's desk, and leaves)
(^later: JENNY walks in. (JENNY picks up the box of chocolate, and starts eating it
OLLIE: Can Oy 'ave some of that?
JENNY: No
OLLIE: Meh
JENNY: Meh?
OLLIE: It means Oy don't care, or I'm bored.
JENNY: Meh

Fire

(Prison: OLLIE is sitting alone in a cell)(People put SAMMY into the cell with OLLIE)
SAMMY: Since when are there co-ed prisons?
OLLIE: Oy don't know!

(^later)
SAMMY: You been keeping any secrets?
OLLIE: Why do you ask?
SAMMY: Who is she
OLLIE:

SAMMY: Ew

(^later)(People take Sammy out)
OLLIE: Oy feel lonley now

Dead?

(Tony's Office: TONY is surrounded by a bunch of green bottles, and one purple one in his hand)(ABBY walks in)
ABBY: You've been a bad boy. *laugh* Well you finished off with my bottle. (Looks around) And you left your stash open. (Goes over a wine cabinet and takes the remaining bottles) Goodbye. (TONY pulls a gun)
TONY: Why is the rum gone? (FLASH breaks into the room, and hits ABBY to the floor)
FLASH: Well. I'm taking your stash. (TONY shoots FLASH, w/out a reaction from FLASH; FLASH takes the wine and leaves)
TONY: Ollie! Flash took my wine and Abby's knocked out!

(Haynes Casino)
OLLIE, AUDIENCE, JENNY:


(^later: TÝ, RÝ, JENNY, & OLLIE are sitting around a table)
JENNY: I'm glad we're all (drinks a shot) together.
TÝ: This is the beginning of a semi-beautiful friendship! Don'tcha know?
OLLIE: Oy thought that about Ría, but Beetle's alive.
RÝ: What?
JENNY: Nothing, He's just sad about a failed murder attempt, Eh.
TÝ: Well it's nothing to fret over, don'tchaknow? As long as you won't get caught.

(^later: Only OLLIE % JENNY are left at the table)
JENNY: There's gonna be a heck of a lot of zombies, allover town.
OLLIE: Oy know. It's your darn fault!
JENNY: Mine!?
OLLIE: Yes, you made the potion that Abby, Skul, and Beetle used!
JENNY: But I didn't give it to them!
OLLIE: Janie used it on Skul. Abby stole some and used it on 'er and Beetle!
JENNY: I try not to mess up this much, eh.
OLLIE: Well, The worst part about the Beetle being back alive is, he's gonna kill Sue and use 'er blood to make himself human again. That was his plan all along!
JENNY: He's been dating Sue before—
OLLIE: He was going to use her blood, because he's a Vampire!
JENNY: We haven't seen that infestation in quite a while, Drake probably knows something about it.
OLLIE: He refused to tell me anything. All Oy know is beetle's gonna kill Sue.
JENNY: Wouldn't Sue notice he looks like a Zombie? or has the potions effects not completed? (OLLIE nods) Well, we need to do something about this!

Beetle

(OLLIE & RÍA are laying in opposite directions on a wooden floor)

JENNY(Narration): As it turns pout Ollie, we don't have to Kill Ría, just as long as you befriend her! And I believe you have a mutual enemy you can bond while killing him.

(Ollie's Office: OLLIE is sleeping)*knock, knock, knock*(SUE and BEETLE walk in)
NARRATOR: One week prior
SUE: Hey Ollie.
OLLIE: What? Oy was sleeping!
SUE: Ollie, this is my boyfriend, Beetle, he flew in from Transylvania–
OLLIE: but not Transylvania, right? Transylvania Street!
BEETLE: Yes

(Same as opening scene: OLLIE and BEETLE are sitting with a purple bottle of wine in front of them)

(By the end of the song OLLIE has killed BEETLE)

Jenny

(Ollie's Office: OLLIE is standing above a bleeding SKUL, OLLIE is wiping his hands on a towel) (OLLIE leaves)
NARRATOR: One hour later. (ABBY and DRAKE drop through the roof) (ABBY kneels beside SKUL)
ABBY: Well, You're going to need surgery. (DRAKE picks up SKUL)

(Gang hideout: JANIE is sleeping) (ABBY and DRAKE[holding SKUL] rush in)
ABBY: Janie!
JANIE: What!? Eh!?
ABBY: Dr. Skul E. Muller, she's dieing, where's Jenny?
JANIE: She's gone, Eh.
ABBY: She was supposed to be out of jail a week ago.
JANIE: I can try to save her.

(Gang hideout[later]: JANIE is sleeping)(OLLIE[carrying a red, green, and white cane] walks in)
OLLIE: Good night (Beats JANIE over the head several time with the cane. After a while, blood is everywhere) (JENNY clings to OLLIE)
JENNY: How do you like the hunger?
OLLIE: You gave it to me! It felt so good.
JENNY: Now that she's out of the way, only Ría stands in our way of getting back together with the Minnesotans, then we will be the most powerful people in the state.
OLLIE: I don't care, we'll be ritch. We'll be... well...

Detained

(People [including OLLIE, JENNY, and SKUL] are passing a street corner) (OLLIE, and JENNY trade off packages)

(Cort: SKUL is sitting in the audience, OLLIE and JENNY are sitting in the plaintiff spot, a judge is siting in the Judge spot)
judge: Ollie is suspended from police duties for two weeks, one of witch he will serve in prison, then he will resume his position. and Jenny will serve community service by acting as a police officer for a month, after witch-
JENNY: Of course
judge: -She will have the option of keeping the job, and being paid for it.
JENNY: Is that really a punishment?
judge: Are you complaining?

(Ollie's Office)
NARRATOR: Two weeks later

(Ollie's Office)
NARRATOR: Four weeks later.(OLLIE and JENNY walk in and sit down at the computer, then laugh maniacally)

Happy Holidays

(Ollie's Office: OLLIE is reclining, The Office is decorated w/ an Aluminum pole, and Red and Green banners along the walls)(SKUL walks in)
SKUL: Happy Hanukkah! (OLLIE throws a silver Christmas ornimant at her and she leaves)
OLLIE(angrily): 'Appy Festivus!
SKUL: What?
OLLIE: Look it up!

(Beach: SAMMY is life guarding)(OLLIE walks up w/ a fruit cake)
OLLIE: 'Appy Festivus!
SAMMY: You mean Christmas?
OLLIE(angrily): Look it up!

(Gang hideout: JENNY and JANIE are dancing around a sombrero, drunk) (OLLIE walks up w/ a fruit cake)
OLLIE: 'Appy Festivus!
JENNY: What? Eh? (JANIE falls over)
OLLIE(angrily): Look it up!
JANIE: Happy *hick* Boxing Day! (shakes around on the floor)

(Tony's shooting range: TONY and OLLIE are dancing around a sombrero, drunk)
NARRATOR: And for lack of an Indian winter Holiday Tony celibrated Festivus

(Sue's apartment: SUE is sleeping)
NARRATOR: Sue spent the night sleeping, in the apartment she gained with her newfound vamparic abilities.
SUE: Thanks, Drake! *DRAKE laughing*
DRAKE: Aren't you glad we got rid of GRACIE?
SUE: Who? (ABBY walks in)
ABBY: Oh look, It's Sue. (DRAKE walks in)
DRAKE: The only thing that could make this better would be Sammy!
SUE: Really? Get over her.
The "Embeding dissabled by request" thing is just annoying
(FIL rolls in a piano)
ABBY:I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy man
I wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball
DRAKE, SUE, and ABBY: Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
ABBY:A man like that is hard to find but I can't get him off my mind
DRAKE:Ain't it sad
ABBY:And if he happens to be free I bet he wouldn't fancy me
DRAKE:That's too bad
ABBY:So I must leave, I'll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game, my life will never be the same
DRAKE, SUE, and ABBY: Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
SUE:Aha-ahaaa
DRAKE:All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
ALL:Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
SUE: Aha-ahaaa
ABBY:All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world
It's a rich man's world
(ABBY, DRAKE, and SUE start to leave)
ABBY: Next time I'll kill you

Protection

(Ollie's Office: Ollie is reading a letter)
PLAID(Narration): Dear Ollie, a friend of mine isn't safe here in Bangkok. I'm sending her to stay with you. Doctor Plaid. (SUE walks in making some sort of pose)
SUE: I guess you're Ollie. (holds out her hand) I'm Sue
OLLIE: 'Ello.
SUE: Nice accent

(Cell: ABBY strapped a metal bed)(SUE walks in)
SUE: Who's this?
ABBY(thinking): Um... Joan.
SUE(Unstrapping ABBY): Oh Ollie told me about you.

(ABBY kicks SUE to the floor with an electrical shock)

ABBY: Stupid Sue.
SUE: Abby?
ABBY: Nah you think!?

(Hospital: SUE is laying on a bed, OLLIE and REY are standing over her)
OLLIE: You are way to hard to protect (SUE laughs)
REY: You'll be fine, just don't ever sing with Abby again.
SUE: She's the reason I can't be in Bangkok, Abby sent a hit-woman, Ría, after-
OLLIE: Ría!?
SUE: Yeah, why?
OLLIE: We'd put 'er in solitary confinement.

(Cell: a doll like RÍA is sitting in the corner when OLLIE and SUE run in)(OLLIE picks a note off the doll)
RÍA: *Psychotic laugh* (The door shuts)
SUE: Hey isn't Ria laugh in Spanish?
OLLIE: Si.

Full

(Interrogation room: FIL is sitting at a table)
NARRATOR: 2 years ago. (B'IL walks in)
B'IL: Ms. Ipjhonnybob, all your papers are going through. But I'm srry we'll have to keep you here untill your United States Citizenship is finalized.
FIL: Okay, Eh. Thank you Mr...?
B'IL: B'il Ribbons.
FIL: I'll be shure to wait patiently.

(Cell: JENNY is sitting)(Police Officers bring FIL in)
FIL: I'm your new inmate, Eh.
JENNY: You another Canadian, Eh?
FIL: Yes.
JENNY: I've got a friend for you to meet.

(Jail Cafeteria: JANIE is getting food)(JENNY & FIL walk up to her)
JENNY: Hey, Janie!
JANIE: No, Jenny! No more killing, No more violence! Eh!
JENNY: I just wanted to introduce you to my new friend.
FIL: Hi, I'm Fil. (JANIE stares at FIL)
JANIE: You don't look like the type of Canadian we want (pause) -ed. Eh. (JENNY smiles)
JENNY: You can't give up the blood lust. We have to organize now. Eh
FIL: Okay.
JANIE(sadly): I'll rally Rý and the Canadians.

(Back Alley: RÝ is laying in a corner, FIL is standing over her w/ a switchblade)
TÝ(Narration)(Minnesota accent): Terrible people, don'tcha know! My sister, Rý tried to get evolved, but they wouldn't let her in, because she's from Minnesota.
FIL: So Rý, you aren't Canadian?
RÝ(Minnesota accent): Duh!
FIL: Leave, don't come back.
RÝ: Why?
FIL: Because there was a time when we were friends. I won't kill you like I should.

(Haynes Casino: TÝ & OLLIE are singing)
NARRATOR: Present day

(ABBY walks in during the song)
(ABBY shoots TÝ w/ electricity)
ABBY: Come on Ollie, what are you doing?
OLLIE: Snapping (OLLIE snaps twice)(SKUL spills a bucket of water on ABBY)
ABBY: Agh! (ABBY falls over)(SKUL handcuffs ABBY)
SKUL(showing everybody her badge): It's okay, I'm a police officer.

Ours

NARRATOR: now the conclusion (Inside Burning Hospital: JENNY is carrying ABBY through the halls)
JENNY: JANIE will fix you, don't you fret.

(Interrogation Room: ROOK and OLLIE are interrogating JANIE)
ROOK: I'd love to let you walk but my partner hear might feel differently.
JANIE(shaking head): I won't tell you anything!
OLLIE: Janie, you make me sick! I will lock you up forever! I will resort to Chinese Water torture!
JANIE: I won't squeal! (OLLIE slaps JANIE and she starts to bleed) Eh.
ROOK: Do you want a band-aid?
OLLIE: Shut up.
(Gang hideout: ABBY [w/ an IV and a metal glove] is lying on a table) (JENNY walks in)
NARRATOR: Abigail "Abby" Normal is just like Ollie except she has more of a filter, making her more popular. Ollie still hates her
JENNY: Hello Abby. How are you doing? Eh?
ABBY: What have you done to me? I was fine before you kidnapped me!
JENNY: You were dieing on a hospital bed. Now you're all better. You're going to live.
ABBY: What did you do to me?
JENNY: Your blood was transfused with mercury. You needed metal for blood.
ABBY: So you picked a poison!?
JENNY: It's the only liquid metal.
ABBY: Why aren't I dead?
JENNY: Your "blood" is neutralizing the effect of Janie's bullet. (unstraps ABBY) I need you to be strong. Get Janie out of Prison, and will will help you use your new abilities.
ABBY(sitting up): What are you- ? (electricity comes out of ABBY's glove) Aghh!
JENNY: You'll get used to it. (ABBY grabs JENNY's trough, and ectricity comes out of ABBY's glove) Eh?
ABBY: What. have. you. (screaming:) Done to me! (electricity comes out of ABBY's glove)
JENNY: Maybe you don't need any help. Eh? (electricity comes out of ABBY's glove) Eh? (electricity comes out of ABBY's glove) (ABBY lets go and JENNY falls) ABBY: Goodnight.
(Ollie's Office: ABBY [w/ watch batteries tapped to her fingers] is sitting in OLLIE's chair facing away from the window)(OLLIE walks in)
OLLIE: Abby?
ABBY: Yes Ollie, it's me I just wanted to see you.
OLLIE: You've been missing for two days.
ABBY: I knew where I was! *sigh* I'm going to live. No thanks to you! And now I'm going to leave. (stands up and puts her hand on the window) *electric noises* (window explodes) Goodbye! (jumps out) (OLLIE runs up to the window and looks down) *crunch* OLLIE: Oh no.

(Abby's Apartment: ABBY is sitting on the telephone)
ABBY: Yeah, he thinks I'm dead.

Mine

3(Hospital: REY, SAMMY, and OLLIE are rushing ABBY through the halls)
REY: What happened!?
SAMMY: Abby was shot!
REY: By who?
OLLIE: Oy don't know.

(ICU: Someone is sitting in a hospital bed)(JANIE sits up and laughs maniacally)

(Hallway: JANIE is walking, looking)
JANIE: Ollie!?(a shot hits JANIE in the back)(REY walks over and takes the shot out of JANIE's back)
REY: How'd you get in here Janie? *gunshot*(REY falls over)*heartbeat*

(Ollie's Office: OLLIE, and ROOK are listening to the POLICE SCANNER)
POLICE SCANNER: The walls are lined with asbestos!
ROOK(high pitched voice): What's that all about?
OLLIE: The hospital's burning down.
ROOK: How'd you know?
OLLIE: It's code.

(Outside Bank)(OLLIE & ROOK drive up in Ollie's car)
ROOK: Why are we here?(JOAN runs into the car)
JOAN(to ROOK): Short people-.
OLLIE: -and Ollie!
JOAN -are awesome

(Outside Hospital: the building is burning) (Ollie's car drives up) (OLLIE, ROOK, and JOAN get out)(KARLA walks out of the hospital carrying REY and JANIE)
OLLIE: Why'd she have to get Janie?
JOAN: Good job on that subtlety!
ROOK: What?
OLLIE: Typical rookie.
ROOK: Because my name is Rook?
JOAN: Because you're a rookie officer.
KARLA(taking her helmet off): Hey, Joan.
JOAN: Where were you when the bank was set on fire!?
KARLA: Somewhere.
ROOK: Hi.
OLLIE: This is an A B C conversation C your way out of it.
KARLA: You said C twice.
OLLIE: You're the first C!

Yours

(Outside Police Station: ABBY is being interviewed)
ABBY: I have single-handedly saved this city several times! That is enough reason why you should vote Abigail Normal for Mayor!

(TV Studio: NEWS & FLASH are sitting)
NEWS(depressed) & FLASH (hyper): We'll be back at five with bomb carrier cats, and the Bluecanaryville Mayor elections. Now let's go to Muli with the weather.
MULI: Texas
DIVI: Okay that's great! Everybody take five!(OLLIE runs in)

OLLIE: Abigail's running for mayor!

NEWS&FLASH: Ew
MULI: Texas
DILI: The weather segment is over!
NEWS&FLASH: You need to higher a hit-man!

(Dark empty room with window: JANIE is about to shoot something)
OLLIE(Narration): Someone's walking in the door!*gunshot*
NARRATOR: To be continued

Accents

(Outside mob hideout) (FIL[w/ a Pole driven through her head and a helmet] drives up on a motorcycle)(FIL looks around)

(Police Briefing room: OLLIE, ABBY, and TONY are sitting)
ABBY: -and that's why I tasered a ten year old!(Awkward pause)
OLLIE: Well we need an inside man in the Canadian mob
TONY(Indian accent): Do we have any officers they don't know?(ABBY/OLLIE look at TONY) Why are you two looking at me like that? Who is it?

(Jenny's Bar: FIL/JANIE is bar tending)
OLLIE(Narration): Tony (Tony[w/ fake mustache] walks in)
TONY(Canadian accent): Janie, Eh?
JANIE: Yeah. Wotcha want?
TONY: I'm Jackson. Eh. I'm lookin' for you.
JANIE: Get in line, Eh.
TONY: I just wanna see if you've got my package. Eh
JANIE: You're that V.I.P. client Jenny was talking about
OLLIE(Narration): But, What happens when the real Jackson shows up?
TONY: I've got an assassin after me and I need some protection.
JANIE: I'll see if Fil can guard your house-.
TONY: No I need to stay here.
JANIE: The bar isn't very safe. We've already got people trying to burn this place down. Eh
TONY: Then you and this Fil will stay with me. Eh.
JANIE: Okay, but, eh, I don't trust you, eh.
TONY: What? (Pause) Eh.
JANIE: I'll get Jenny.
(JENNY walks in)
JENNY: Hell Mr. Jackson. Eh. (they shake hands)
TONY: Yes. Eh. So this is your bar, eh?
JENNY: It wasn't always so amazing, Eh. (RÍA walks in) Ría, how dare you show your face in my bar!?
RÍA (Canadian accent): I hear you want me dead, eh?
JENNY: You'd hared right. Now get out, eh. (RÍA she doesn't) (TONY throws a chair at the wall)
TONY: Are you deaf, eh? She said get out! (Pause) Eh!
JENNY: Eh!
JANIE: Eh!
(JENNY pins RÍA down w/ a chair) (The crowd erupts in a bar fight)
JENNY: You, eh, messed, eh, with the wrong mob, Ría. (the wall blows up creating a hole) (FIL walks in) (Everyone stops)
FIL (to TONY): Hello, Jackson, or Tony since you are a police officer. (Rips off the fake mustache) You're busted. (LOOLI walks in w/ a swat team)
LOOLI: Oy want everybody in this room arrested except for Tony.
TONY(Indian accent): just in-
FIL (Picking up a gun to TONY's head): Okay nobody move! (to JANIE:) You!, come with me. (FIL[w/ gun], JANIE[casually], and TONY[scared] walk out)
LOOLI (to one of the swat people): Isn't it your job to make sure that doesn't 'appen!

(Gang cell: TONY is tied to a chair)(FIL and JANIE[cracking knuckles] walk in)
FIL: Now tell us everything you know about Police intelligence.
TONY: You aught to know, Fil. It was your job to design weapons.
FIL: Well you got me fired! (Pause) (to JANIE:) Kill him

(Hanes' Cacino)
RÝ and TÝ:


(^Later: OLLIE is siting at a table w/ TÝ)
OLLIE: What can you tell me about the Canadian mob?
TÝ (Minnesota accent): Terrible people, don'tcha know! My sister, Rý tried to get envolved, but they wouldn't let her in, because she's from Minnesota.
OLLIE: What 'appened after that?
TÝ: Fil was mad, so she queet and so I'm told she's got a pole stuck through her head!
OLLIE: So Fil and Rý are still freinds?
T Ý: Well I'm supposed to tell you, but Fil was in here the other day with a Canadian and an Indian.
OLLIE: That's perrfect!

(Backstage: OLLIE is looking around)(RÝ walks up)
RÝ (Minnesota accent): What are ya doin' back here?
OLLIE: You helped Fil and Janie kidnap Tony and I'm gonna prove it!
RÝ: Okay. (leaves) (OLLIE steps on a floorboard that opens a trap door) (OLLIE goes in)(RÝ fallows him)

(Gang cell: TONY is tied to a chair) (OLLIE walks in)
TONY: Hey Ollie. (Pause) You should move (FIL ambushes OLLIE) (RÝ walks down)
FIL: You said nobody'd be down here!
RÝ: It's my sister's fault, she let him search the place. (FIL ties up OLLIE and leaves w/ RÝ) (OLLIE gets out a knife and cuts TONY out of the ropes) (TONY does the same)
OLLIE: Nice workin' with ya! (They run out)

(Backstage: OLLIE and TONY are standing around, FIL, RÝ, and JANIE are handcuffed) (TÝ walks in)
TÝ: What are you doin'!
OLLIE: Your sister had my freind tied up in your basement
TÝ: But me and Rý have to be on in five minnites! (OLLIE and TONY look at eachother)
TONY: No!
OLLIE: Yes!

(Cacino)
OLLIE/TONY:

Brainwashed

(Mob hideout: JANIE is hypnotising OLLIE[strapped to a chair])
JANIE: Do you have a name, Eh?
OLLIE(no accent): What? *phone rings*(JANIE gets it)
JANIE: Hello, Eh? Ollie's busy right now. (Pause) Okay (Pause) Yeah, Bye Abby.

(Bank: JOAN is behind the counter)(JENNY[w/ big fur coat] and the mob[holding guns] walk in)
JENNY: Hello, everybody! Eh!

(Outside of Bank: ABBY[cell phone] and TONY are waiting w/ the swat team)
ABBY: What!? (Pause)(Bank blows up/ Catches fire) We need him. (Puse) Aghhh! (hangs up) (to TONY:) Go downtown and activate Ollie's tracking device!

(Gang hide out: Same, JANIE and FIL are fighting)
FIL(Canadian accent): Eh! You said you'd get rid of him!
JANIE: I did, Eh! He doesn't even know who he is! (FIL cocks a gun)
FIL: The he'll die in ignorance, Eh. (TONY comes in shooting a shoutgun at FIL[getting shot in the head] and JANIE)
TONY: It's Tony, you -
(Looli's lab: LOOLI is sitting, tinkering w/ somthing)(TONY comes in carring OLLIE)
LOOLI: What 'appened?
TONY: He's been brainwashed!
(^Later)(OLLIE wakes up)
LOOLI: Oh thank goodness you're awake!
OLLIE: Looli? Tony?
TONY: I'm here!
OLLIE: It was Fil.
TONY: With an "F"?(OLLIE nods)
LOOLI: Why?
OLLIE: Oy don't know. JANIE was there to.

(Outside bank [putting out fire])(OLLIE, TONY, and LOOLI walk up)
ABBY: Vell you three are alot of help!
OLLIE: Thanks.
LOOLI: What happened?
ABBY: The bank blew-up. The Canadian Mob got avay vith most of zee money.(REY is coming by w/ JOAN on a portable hospital bed)
JOAN: Ollie!
OLLIE: Joan?
JOAN: Your police department is pretty good.
LOOLI: We try.
REY: I hate all of you.

Zombie

(Ollie's Office)

OLLIE:La donna è mobile
Qual piuma al vento,
Muta d'accento — e di pensiero.
Sempre un amabile,
Leggiadro viso,
In pianto o in riso, — è menzognero.
Refrain
La donna è mobil
qual piuma al vento
Muta d'accento e di pensier!
e di pensier!
e di pensier!
È sempre misero
Chi a lei s'affida,
Chi le confida — mal cauto il cuore!
Pur mai non sentesi
Felice appieno
Chi su quel seno — non liba amore!
Refrain
La donna è mobil
qual piuma al vento,
Muta d'accento e di pensier!
e di pensier!
e di pensier!
(DRAKE walks in)
DRAKE: I didn't know you spoke french, (OLLIE shakes his head) Greek?... Japanese?...
OLLIE: *sigh*Italian.
DRAKE: Oh.
OLLIE: Why are you 'ere.
DRAKE: I had a vision! (OLLIE picks up a wooden crucifix)
OLLIE: Get out of my Office!
DRAKE: No, really. Put that thing away. (OLLIE does) By Five o' clock this evening there will be five thousand zombies in Texas alone.
OLLIE: Do you know what this means?
DRAKE: No!
OLLIE: Get Skul.Do you know what that means?
DRAKE: No!
OLLIE: We're going to Bangkok. Do you know what this means?
DRAKE: No!
OLLIE: We get to sing a song.
(Bangkok: OLLIE, and DRAKE are 'Slow walking')

OLLIE: Bangkok, Oriental setting
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner
Time flies -- doesn't seem a minute
Since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change -- don't you know that when you
Play at this level there's no ordinary venue
It's Iceland --
DRAKE:or the Philippines -- or Hastings -- or -- or this place!

BOTH:One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me
OLLIE:One town's very like another
When your head's down over your pieces, brother
DRAKE:It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city
OLLIE:Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town --
DRAKE:Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite
OLLIE:Get Thai'd! You're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine
BOTH:One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me
OLLIE:Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha
And thank God I'm only watching the game -- controlling it --
DRAKE:I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
OLLIE:I'd let you watch,
DRAKE:I would invite you
BOTH:But the queens we use would not excite you
OLLIE:So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours
DRAKE: One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me
BOTH:One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me.

(OLLIE, DRAKE, and SKUL are walking down Transylvania Street)
SKUL: This is the place?(GRACIE walks up to them, unnoticed)
GRACIE: Yes (Kisses OLLIE)
DRAKE: How'd you get here?
OLLIE: Oy thought you where in Transylvania.
GRACIE: Transylvania Street!(OLLIE and GRACIE start making out)
SKUL: Something stupid had to happen.
DRAKE: Well we could-
SKUL: No!

(Dr. Plaid's house: PLAID, and ROSIE are having a cup of tea)(OLLIE, GRACIE, DRAKE, and SKUL walk in)
ROSIE: Ollie, you missed tea time.
OLLIE: Mum?
DRAKE: She's your mom?
ROSIE(to DRAKE): Your that vampire, who tried to bite me!
OLLIE: Anyway, Gracie this is my Grandfather, Dr. Plum. 'e's the onlay Zombie expert in the world.
PLAID: What can I do ya for, me boy?
OLLIE: Drake(Points) 'ad a vision about zombies.
PLAID: So?
OLLIE: Is it posible?
SKUL: Is that the only reason we came here?
PLAID(to SKUL): Yes (to OLLIE:) Yes.
DRAKE: So I'm not crazy!
SKUL: Yes you are.
(ABBY [as a zombie] walks i1n)
OLLIE: Oh my Goodness! (ABBY pulls out a knife)(OLLIE screams)
SKUL: Get down! (Shoots ABBY five times)
OLLIE: It’s a twofer!
ROSIE: Shut up.
OLLIE: Yes, mummy.

(Operation room: ABBY is strapped to the table, REY is ready to Operate, and OLLIE is standing)
OLLIE: Break a leg!
REY: You know I’m not acting, Right?
OLLIE: Rey, Oy was talking to Abigail. (ABBY laughs) If at all possible, kill ‘er (DRAKE walks in) REY (p.o.-ed): Can I just operate here!
OLLIE: No. (DRAKE drags OLLIE out the door)


(Outside Oporation room: DRAKE and OLLIE are waiting)(ABBY limps out)
ABBY: He he he! He didn't kill me!

(Ollie's Office)(DRAKE walks in)

DRAKE: Gracie left.
OLLIE: Oy know, she told me
ABBY(form outside): It turned blue!(ABBY runs in)
OLLIE: So you're pregnant?
ABBY: How'd you now?
DRAKE: You were yelling "It turned blue!" at the top of you're lungs.
ABBY: Really?
OLLIE (nodding): Yes
DRAKE: Duh!

(Rey's Office: ABBY is having her stomach scanned)

REY: It's a zombie.
ABBY: Oh crap.

(Ollie's office: OLLIE is drinking)

OLLIE(Spinning around in chair):Oy don't need people in my life! I'm perfectly fine!(ABBY walks in) Gracie? Oh it's you.
ABBY: My baby's a zombie
OLLIE: And Oy can't enjoy your misery, because my girlfreind's a vampire.
BOTH: *sigh*(DRAKE walks in)
DRAKE: I had another vision!
OLLIE/ABBY: No!(they drag DRAKE out)
OLLIE(to ABBY): Get out! (she does)

Vampire

(Beach: SAMMY is lifeguard-ing/TONY is laying on a bench)(A coffin sized crate washes up, DRAKE comes out)(SAMMY gets her cell phone)
SAMMY: Ollie? I weird guy just got out of a crate that washed up, okay. Okay, no reporters. (hangs up)

(Ollie's Office)*phone*
OLLIE: 'Ello? (pause) No reporters! (hangs up)

(Beach: SAMMY is talking to reporters/TONY is laying on a bench)(OLLIE walks past SAMMY towards TONY and puts a device on his mouth)
OLLIE: Breathe in. (Looks at device) (shocked:)You're nearly sober!
SAMMY: Sorry 'bout these people.
OLLIE: We could've kept this whole situation under wraps but you called-
SAMMY(interrupting):It was Tony. (OLLIE looks at TONY)
TONY(awkwardly): I'm sorry.
OLLIE: Sorry? The new weapons officer has jeopardized his position! Oy'd be surprised if the chief doesn't fire you!(turns to SAMMY) You bloody idiot!
SAMMY: Why?
OLLIE: Ya mum thinks she should yell at ya! (to TONY:)Who was it?
TONY: a vampire.
OLLIE: No sutch thing

(Rosie's house: ROSIE is sitting/knitting)*doorbell*
ROSIE: Oy'll be there in a second(Opens the door) Aghhh!

(Outside Rosie's house[crime scene]: OLLIE ans SAMMY are talking)
SAMMY: No such thing?

(Gracie's apartment: Swat team is searching)(OLLIE, TONY and ABBY walk in)
OLLIE: What are we looking for?
TONY: A girl, Gracie Hei
OLLIE: And she is..
TONY: A known Vampire.
OLLIE: Why don't know that?
ABBY: There's a special agency for supernatural accuracies.\
OLLIE: The X-Files?
(SKUL walks in)
SKUL: I'm Skul E. Muller


OLLIE(sarcastically): Oy didn't see that coming.
SKUL: *sigh* I hate you already.(Something drips down on OLLIE)
OLLIE: What was-?
(GRACIE jumps down, kisses OLLIE and runs away)(OLLIE faints)
ABBY: Anybody want pie?
TONY/SKUL: Not the time!

(Ollie's office)(GRACIE climbs through a window)(OLLIE falls over in his chair)
GRACIE(Transylvania accent): Shh, Iv you blow my cover I 'von't be back in the United States. I came to you because, (pause) I love you and I von't be able to see you for quite a while.(ABBY opens the door)
ABBY: I need a drink. (Shuts the door)(GRACIE laughs)(ABBY opens the door) I did an exersism on your mother
GRACIE: Vill she forget about it?
OLLIE: 'er drinking habbits are...
GRACIE: Realy hard liqor?
OLLIE: You know it. Wanna sing a song?(GRACIE smiles)

Tac

(Police Office: LOOLI is standing in front of a projector screen)
LOOLI(British accent): As soon as that blitherin’ idiot, Ollie gets ‘ere we can start. (OLLIE walks in)
OLLIE: Watt’s up!
LOOLI: You’re late.
OLLIE: Oy know. this is why we don’t date anymore!
LOOLIE (to audience): Oy’m tac Officer Plate. A tac Officer is someone who’s job it is to welcome new police recruits to the force.
OLLIE: But you don’t do a god job of it, that’s why Oy’m ‘ere.
LOOLI: *sigh* Well now we’re going to do some team building exercises. So everybody get a partner. (The audience does) You’ve probably done this before. Your partner will ‘old out their arms and catch you when you make yourself fall. (LOOLI falls)(OLLIE doesn’t catch her)
OLLIE: Sorry. (LOOLI gets up)
LOOLI: You bloody idiot!
OLLIE: Well another good team building exercise is dancing. Rosie-
LOOLI: Oh no.
(ROSIE walks in w/ a jukebox)
OLLIE: -come on down! Your the next contestant on me mum is right.
ROSIE: Yes oy am.

OLLIE: It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll, But listen closely,
ROSIE: not for very much longer
I've got to keep control
OLLIE:I remember doing the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the
BOTH:void would be calling
ALL:Let's do the time warp again...
Let's do the time warp again!
OLLIE:It's just a jump to the left
ALL:And then a step to the right
OLLIE:With your hands on your hips
ALL:You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!
ROSIE:It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me
So you can't see me, no not at all
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention
Well-secluded, I see all
OLLIE:With a bit of a mind flip
ROSIE:You're there in the time slip
OLLIE:And nothing can ever be the same
ROSIE:You're spaced out on sensation,
OLLIE:like you're under sedation
ALL:Let's do the Time Warp again!
LOOLI:Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again
ALL:Let's do the Time Warp again!
OLLIE:It's just a jump to the left
ALL:And then a step to the right
OLLIE:With your hands on your hips
ALL:You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the Time Warp again!

LOOLI:Let's not do that again.
OLLIE: Oh towards the end you actually sang.
LOOLI: Oy know.
ROSIE: Well oy've got to go. (ROSIE leaves)(ABBY comes in)(ABBY shots someone and drags there body away)
OLLIE: Don't worry, 'e'll live. (mumbling:) Maybe.
LOOLI: You never know with Abby.